Reckless Abandon

February 2006

This was inspired by an experience I had at a women's retreat ~ what an awesome, amazing weekend it was!  We had a worship service on Sunday morning in the cozy fireside room of the lodge.  All of our chairs were in a large circle around the room.  As I closed my eyes in worship, I began to see Jesus dancing among us.  He wore a long white robe with a rich, dark red banner down the front.  he was dancing with such joy and love, and He threw His arms above His head exclaiming "My daughers!  My brides!"  He was celebrating His love and adoration of us!  His robe flowed gracefully and powerfully around the room, and showed me that it is within reach of all of us ~ Jesus is right there within our grasp at any moment in our lives. 

Sometimes it seems so hard to touch Him, because our hands are so full of other things...loneliness, unforgiveness, worries of life...I thought of the woman in Mark 5, who wanted nothing more than to touch Jesus.  Nothing stood in her way.  She emptied her hands of everything else and ran to Him ~ how I pray for a heart like that.

Reckless Abandon

What desperate love has she

That throws caution to the wind

Shamelessly pursuing her Savior

With such reckless abandon.

As if her eyes coud see,

through the crowd and the lies,

Nothing but Your beauty

the depth of the love in Your eyes.

It so amazes even her

How effortless it seems

to touch the hem of your robe

And be healed ~ set free!

Give me a heart like hers, O Lord

So wild and so free

Longing only for Your touch

As You dance in love with me.

you are ever within my reach

I need only extend my hand

And receive the grace you freely give

My heart can't comprehend ~

How amazing is Your love for me

It's depth I dare to know

How beautiful you are to me

Sweet Lover of my soul.

"When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind Him in the crowd and touched his cloak,

because she thought, "If I just touch His clothes, I will be healed."

Mark 5:27

The Harvest

October 2005

Just days after writing "In Need of a Savior", I attended a Beth Moore simulcast.  The Holy Spirit spoke volumes to me through Psalm 126.  I have been consuming the seed of the Word of God, but in some areas of my life I have not been sowing it.  All my life I have let insecurity carry me away and distract me.  So many times in my life I have bowed to the idol of security.  The Lord is telling me to "step out!"  take that step of faith.  Believe Him!  And trust in God Almighty.  He is mighty to save.  Praise Your name, Elshadai.

The Harvest

Here I stand with my basket of seed

As the Sower comes

To plant them in my deepest need

And warm them with the Son.

As the Living Water flows

And saturates my soul

I feel the sprouts begin to rise

As new life starts to grow.

O God, I pray the Gardener finds

Soil rich and dark

Fertilized by countless tears

In the depths of my heart.

Now in the distance I can hear

The Harvester come for me ~

His laughter ringing in my ear

Declaring that I am free!

I labor not in vain, I know

For the Harvester's on His way,

As songs of joy burst from my soul

And he carries me away.

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy."  

Psalm 126:5 

Oblivion

October 2005

The tormentor in this poem is hunger...suffering...loneliness...need.  There are so many evils plaguing humanity, and we all have the power to reach out.  But too often we don't.  We are too focused on ourseles, our comfort, our happiness, our "stuff" to see others as Jesus does.  God doesn't bless us with abundance so that we can keep those blessings for ourselves.  He calls us to reach out to those He puts in our paths and on our hearts.

Oblivion

In a little corner of the world

A child cries for mercy

From the pain of her tormentor,

She begs to be set free.

Does anybody hear her 

Crying in the rain?

Does anyone even care

About her pain?

This world is so oblivious

To those who are in need

There's always someone else to help,

Another mouth to feed.

So I'll just keep on marching on

To the beat of my own drum,

Never looking to my left or right

Oh there's too much to be done.

In my little corner of the world

Where I am consumed

With life and stuff and having more,

 I've not the time for you.

"Others will reach out", I say

"They'll be here very soon".

As I walk away, the problem is

They're much too busy, too.

"This is how we know what love is:  Jesus Christ laid down His life for us. 

And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.  If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can thelove of God be in him?  Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."

1 John 3:16-18



In Need of a Savior

October 2005

It's not about my strength, it's all about His.  The Lord continues to bring me to the place where I am lost enough to let myself be led.

In Need of a Savior

I have no strength to praise You,

I've lost the heart for hope.

Arms too heavy to raise,

Eyes falling closed.

Where are You now, my Savior?

I've lost sight of You somehow.

My spirit fades within me

Even now.

As I cradle this face in lifeless hands,

Empty tears fall to the ground.

Crying in the dark of night ~

Do You hear the sound

Of this wounded and broken heart?

It's deafening to me.

It seems my soul is falling apart,

Do You see?

So far away from my dreams,

My lifeblood running dry

I can't see how I can go on,

And don't know why.

What's the point in carrying on?

I'm not going anywhere.

And I'm beginning to wonder

If you even care.

Angel Boy

Written for Kyle Thomas
July 2005

Angel Boy

Precious, handsome little face

Rugged little feet

When I look into your eyes

My heart skips a beat!

Sweet child looking up at me

What is it that you see?

Do you see my love for you

Born in the heart of me?

My precious little Angel Boy

So wild and so sweet,

Holding tight around my neck

And dancing on my feet.

I gave my heart to your brother

And now you hold it too,

Together we'll fly to joyful lands

And dance on skies of blue.

Angel of Grace

Written in memory of my aunt Arlene
July 2005

Angel of Grace

Beautiful angel full of grace

Visions of Heaven on your face.

Loving everyone great and small,

For everyone is a child of God.

Your laughter echoes in this room

As you dance before his throne.

Let your drops of laughter fall

Upon us now.

We can hear, woman of faith

In our hearts your, your words of grace.

Leaving us your legacy of love

As you fly through skies above.

Leave us now with this truth

Of which your life was living proof.

We'll see you soon, angel of grace

With a beautiful smile on your face.

Promised Land

July 2005

The Lord gave me this vision ~ I didn't realize it at the time, but I believe now that it is a continuation of "Heart's Desire".  I was further down the river of my journey with the Lord, but I had become discouraged.  The healing process had taken so much out of me, and it seemed like I wasn't making any more progress.  But the Lord restored my hope and trust in Him.  He holds my future in His hands.

Promised Land

Carry me to the other side

O Lord, I'm much too weak

Lift me with Your gentle arms

As the waters rush under Your feet.

The river rages wild

And will surely sweep me away

My soul will not survive alone

Another day.

It's waters wait to devour me

And my body, broken and torn

Will wash up lifeless on the shore

Discarded and alone.

Is this my destiny, O God?

Or is my promised land

Waiting at the water's edge

Where You're reaching out Your hand?

I'm desperate for Your presence, Lord

Please don't abandon me

Saturate me with assurance

That I have a destiny.

As the waters roar beneath me

I'll hold tight to Your hand

And I'll look to the horizon

For my beloved promised land.

"Then from his mouth the serpent spewed water like a river, to overtake

the woman and sweep her away with the torrent."

Revelation 12:15

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass

through the rivers, they will not sweep over you."

Isaiah 43:2

"He reached down from on high and took hold of me;  He drew me out of

deep waters.  He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes who 

were too strong for me.  They confronted me in the day of my disaster,

but the Lord was my support.  He brought me out into a spacious place,

He rescued me because He delighted in me."

Psalm 18:16-19

Abba Father

July 2005

This was an amazing moment in my life.  I had been given some things by my mom that she had saved for me...pictures of her and my dad on their wedding day, cards she received from my dad, a little outfit and gloves that I wore as a little girl.  I had no idea how much these things would mean to me.  I brought them to church one day, and laid them on the altar.  As I sat there alone and prayed over them, God revealed to me how much He loves me.  He just poured His love over me ~ it was overwhelming.  I had never felt His love so intensely and completely.  He was so in love with the little girl who wore those gloves, and He has walked by my side through every moment of my life. I also believe this poem is an answer to "Ever Alone".

Abba Father

As gently as a sunrise

Caresses the morning air

Your love was watching over me

As I was unaware. 

Angels tended my deepest needs

And caught my tears in jars

When I couldn't sense Your presence,

I know You were never far.

Sweet music falls upon my ears

That You sang over me

In dark and lonely places

Where I dreamt of being free.

Now Freedom is a friend to me

And Loneliness left behind

Hope is my companion

And Peace of Heart abides.

As Your healing waters cleanse

And I lose myself in You

In You, my Abba Father

I am born anew.

"Because you are His children, God sent the spirit of His Son into our hearts, 

the spirit who calls out, "Abba Father."

Galations 4:6  

Ever Alone

December 2004

One of my most profound memories of my childhood was that of loneliness.  I wrote this about myself as a little girl, but it very much applied to my life at the present time as well.  Not only was I dealing with my divorce, but through counseling I was dealing with old wounds from childhood that had been coming to the surface right along with the new ones.  God was doing a comprehensive healing of my soul ~ one that continues.

Ever Alone

Little girl, Ever Alone

With loneliness as her friend

And Fear, her faithful companion

Comes to call again.

Will no one reach a hand to you

And hold you as you weep?

Does anyone realize

How you cry yourself to sleep?

Quietly wailing in your soul

As silence fills the air.

No one hears your desperate pleas

Do they even care?

Her dreams float out the window

And are carried to the sky

They fall upon another 

More deserving than I.

That girl becomes the blessed one

She is loved and she is whole.

Security, her loving companion

And Happiness abides in her soul.

So what is left for me, Ever Alone

As my dreams fade out of sight?

The dew of hope, like droplets fall

Into the dark of night.

This little girl needs healing

For I do not understand

Where were You, Lord, where were You

When all of this began?

My broken heart was bleeding

And still I feel the scars

Of long nights alone and wondering

And wishing on the stars...

Only You

November 2004

I wrote this after another very vivid vision I had in church during worship ~ actually it was more than a vision, it was an experience.  My spirit was touched by the presence of the Lord.  I have never felt Him so close to me before or since.  Not long after writing this, I came across Psalm 91:4 and I about fainted.  I was totally in awe of how He touched me that day.  More than anything over the past two years, the Lord has been revealing His love for me.

Only You

Jesus, sweet Jesus

How beautiful you were today

Holding me close, nestled in Your arms

I've never felt so safe, so loved.

As You wrap your long white wings around me

You cover me completely, and just hold me.

Your presence envelops me, and I feel complete peace.

I feel Your heart beat

And I know the love of my Savior

Is far deeper than I can ever know.

You protect me as I seek refuge

In the shelter of Your wings.

Your long, beautiful, strong wings

Protecting me from harm, soothing my anxiety

As I melt in Your embrace. 

Then for a moment You open Your wings

Pick me up in Your arms and dance with me.

Gently You set me down, 

Caress my face,

And I fall into Your embrace again.

Who has ever loved me like that?

No one but You, Lord

Only You.

"He will cover you with His feathers,

and under His wings you will find refuge."

Psalm 91:4

Without Words

June 2004

This was written from my soul to the heart of Jesus.

Without Words

From the horizon You call to me

And my heart yearns

For Your heavenly touch.

My soul burns for You.

For You, O Lord

My precious Savior

You call to me without words

Your gentle hand reaches me

And draws me close.

You embrace my soul

And without words You know.

You know the longing of my heart

The deepest need

Broken dreams scattered on the ground.

Empty hands I extend to You

Without words.

And to my surprise, here You are ~

comforting me, caressing my soul.

Drying my tears, now I know

How so much can be said

So much love expressed

Without words.

Do You know, my Lord

How You have saved me?

I would be lost without You

But by Your grace I am found

Right here in Your presence

Overwhelmed by Your love.

Here I am in awe of You,

Without words.

Grace

November 2003

How amazing is the grace and love of God!  I still can't believe the hope and peace He provided me during such a time of pain and devastation.  It is truly no less than a profound miracle!

Grace

Here I am, Lord

Arms open wide

Receiving Your mercy

Trying not to hide from the truth.

I didn't know it was possible 

To have such joy and peace

In the midst of so much destruction and pain.

My life has crumbled to the ground

But worth it all because I have found

What it truly means to receive Your grace.

Your hand reaches down from Heaven

To the depths of my heart and soul.

You've filled me with peace and passion,

A calmness that words cannot express.

At last I know my Father's love for me

It's deeper than any other love

It saturates my soul

And quiets my weeping heart.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."
2 Corinthians 12:9

In The Embers

October 2003

I wrote this during the most painful moments of my life...soon after my separation from my husband.  I was in such excruciating emotional pain, it was unbelievable to me.  But perhaps more unbelievable was the incredible peace and clarity I received from the Lord during this time.  Looking back, I can see how the Lord was preparing me for this journey and all that accompanied it.  He was ready and waiting the moment my world exploded...and He immediately began the healing process.  He began peeling away the layers around my heart ~ so many that I didn't know what would be left of me when He was done.  But I had the assurance that He would not leave me raw and bleeding.  For the first time in a long time I had hope.  He is my healer, my foundation, my life, and He is faithful to complete the work that He started in me.

In The Embers

In the warmth of this place

Your fire burns brightly

Gently stirring the embers

Within the deepest part of me.

You are the flame that flickers,

That dances and sparks,

As You burn away the wall

I've built around my heart.

And what will be left of me

When at last Your work is done?

Will I be all but a pile of ash

That blows away in the wind?

Or will You build me up again

Stone by precious stone

On a firm foundation I'll stand

And I'll no longer be alone.

I welcome the warmth of Your peace

The very touch of Your hand

Whisper words of love to me,

Help me understand.

The winds of change are blowing

Where is my shelter now?

Wrap me in Your loving arms,

Healer of my soul.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me...He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners...
to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion ~
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated."
Isaiah 61:1-4

The Garden

Written for Denise for her wedding
May 2002

The Garden

The gardener slowly made his way

Along the path through the meadow one day,

When he paused to see the sun illuminate

A solitary lavender rose

Never before had he seen one of those,

The most precious of flowers that God would ever create.

Her beauty he knew he must possess,

Yet she did not know her own loveliness

Until now, as she saw it reflect in the gardener's eyes.

As he held her in his gentle hands

And carried her away to his beloved homeland,

The love between them bloomed before their eyes.

Now in this beautiful garden they stand

Joining hearts and holding hands,

A lifetime of love and friendship has begun.

In this harmony of blooms and strings,

Family and friends, promises and rings,

The Gardener and the Rose are forever one.

Angel's Mother

March 2002

This poem was written for my M.A.P.T sisters, who were such a blessing in my life as a young mother.  What a privilege it is to serve the Lord in our daily lives as moms!  He has entrusted us with the most precious of gifts ~ our children.

Angel's Mother

Mothers are people too, you know!

Does that really need to be said?

Just let me think about that for a moment

While I finish making this bed.

And do the laundry, answer the phone,

And wash these last few dishes,

And dry the tears and heal the owies

With Mommy hugs and kisses.

After the kids are done with their baths

I'll really give that some thought,

Just let me pick up this room a bit

And get a few groceries bought.

At the end of the day when all this is done

I might have some time for myself!

After cuddling a while and reading a book

To my tired little elf.

When I became a wife and mom

I wondered if I'd lose my identity,

But it's in holding the hands and loving the hearts

That I've discovered the real me.

While my life is filled with so much to do

I'd trade it with no other, 

For there is no greater call in life

Than to be an angel's mother.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord."
Colossians 3:23

Heart's Desire

April 2011

I wrote this about a vision I received from the Lord.  I was 31 years old and pregnant with Kyle at the time.  As I relaxed in my tub meditating on Psalm 37 "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart", this vision came to me so clearly it was like I was there.  I can still see the picture vividly in my mind...with Jesus standing there in His white, flowing robe on the shore, coming close to me and reaching out His hand.  Right there in my tub I reached my hand out and I felt the Lord take my hand in His.  It was the most amazing thing.  The stones represent so many things ~ things that I wanted to change in my life.  Things that were painful, and things I couldn't understand or accept.  I was trying to do so much on my own strength and I was so worn out.  At the time, I didn't know what the mountain represented, but now I realize that it represents my marriage.  The Lord was preparing a way out for me even then.

Heart's Desire

Wading through the water in the river of my life

Flowing down a winding path leading out of sight.

Behind a mountain of challenges that keep me from my dreams,

I sat there, watching the water run over stones in the stream.

The stones caught my attention, they were so dirty it seemed.

So with my hands I scrubbed them, but I could not get them clean.

"Lord, help me with my struggle", I cried, "cover me with Your grace.

I want to clean these stones of mine, I need to see Your face."

"My child, how can you see my face when you keep looking down?

You won't find your heart's desire there on the ground.

Lift your eyes to Heaven, take my hands and come with me.

I'll lead you to your heart's desire of only you trust in Me."

He lifted me from the water with His gentle, healing hands.

I turned to face the mountain where I thought my path began.

He said to me, "No, this way", and as I turned around

The brightest light I'd ever seen shown on me and all around!

"Lift your eyes to Heaven, my child, take my hand and come with me.

This is the way to your heart's desire, trust Me."

"Trust in the Lord and do good, dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.  Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the Lord, trust in Him and He will do this ~ He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."  Psalm 37:3-6

Precious Son

Written for Nicolas Michael
February 1999

Precious Son

Come, my sweet angel

Come fly with me,

Over the clouds

And under the sea.

Let's soar through the days

With joy in our hearts,

We'll laugh at the monkeys

And scream at the sharks!

At the end of the day

I'll hold you tight.

Hug your Pooh Bear

And I'll kiss you goodnight.

Dream, my sweetheart

Of lullaby lands

Don't be afraid,

Mommy's holding your hand.

You're the green in the grass

 And the blue in the sky,

The smile on my face

And the tear in my eye.

You are the reason

My life has begun

You are my heart,

My precious son.

"His mother treasured all these things in her heart."
Luke 2 : 51

~ ~ ~

About a year after Nicolas was born, at the age of 29, I began to realize how much I needed Jesus back in my life again.  I missed Him.  But I didn't know how to put Him first in my life and be devoted to my husband and my marriage at the same time.  It was difficult on so many levels.  So I tried my best to compromise.  But in doing so I began to lose myself, my marriage, and my faith.  I almost didn't believe at all anymore, and it terrified me. 

I remember a huge turning point came when I was driving through Rollingstone one day (we lived in another town at the time, and I do not think it was a coincidence that we would eventually make Rollingstone our home.)  In my mind I saw a rope hanging from the sky and I was hanging onto the end of the rope with all the srength that I had left ~ which wasn't much.  I was at the very last thread of it.  With tears streaming down my face I literally said out loud in my car "God, don't let me go.  Please don't let me go."

Thank God, He didn't.  From that moment on, things began to turn around for me spiritually.  I began to pray specifically for a mother's group and a church.  God answered my prayer so quickly ~ within a month I had been invited to M.A.P.T (Mothers Are People Too), which was a mother's bible study, and soon after I began attending Living Light Church.

The Greatest Gift

December 1995

I wrote this for Christmas, and included a copy of it in our Christmas letter that year.  I had a heart for sharing Christ with those I loved.

The Greatest Gift

Peace to me is more than a feeling

That comes and goes day by day.

It is more than the absence of problems

And obstacles that get in the way.

It is a permanent part in the depth of my heart

And I want you to know the reason.

It has everything to do with Christmas

And the true meaning of the season.

God gave us a promise that through His Son

We could have peace in our life,

The kinds that will not fade away

During the stresses and the strife.

The greatest gift I have ever received

Is the peace of Christ in my heart.

Asking Him to come into my life

Is where it got it's start.

Awakening

January 1995

I wrote this as I lay home alone healing from a broken ankle.  Everything in my daily life came to a screeching halt, and I had lots of time on my hands to reflect and seek the Lord once again.  I was 25 years old and engaged, and I had spent almost a year consumed with planning my wedding.  I put very little thought into the realities of marriage, and even less thought into myself and my relationship with the Lord.  I just wanted so badly for everything to be perfect, our wedding, our lives, and our future.  Even in the midst of all of this, the Lord did not abandon me.

Awakening

In my time of distress

When I didn't feel whole

I gave myself to Him

Body and soul. 

He lifted me up 

With gentle, healing hands

And carried me away

To beautiful lands.

In these lands I found

A new awakening

Where I learned to be thankful

In spite of my pain.

My God slowed me down

And gave me perspective

To see what holds true value

Now, this is how I'll live...

I will be grateful

For family and friends

And I will overlook

And make amends.

The beauty of life 

Is that He daily renews

And redefines who I am.

Jesus, thank you.

"You wearied yourself by such going about;
but you would not say, 'It is hopeless.'
You found renewal of your strength,
and so you did not faint."
Isaiah 57:10

The Real Me

September 1992

By this time, at the age of 23 my spiritual life was very dry.  I had neglected my Savior for so long, and allowed things into my life that left my spirit parched.  I had compromised and watered down y faith for so long, I didn't even know what I believed anymore.  Without Jesus as the center of my life, I no longer knew who I was.  I lost my identity ~ trading it for the security and acceptance of another.  I didn't recognize what was happening at the time, I just knew that I felt lost. 

The Real Me

Who lives inside this face I see

In the mirror staring back at me?

With emptiness in her eyes

This comes as no surprise.

How can eyes once so bright

Silently fade and lose their sight?

A place where confidence once dwelled

And a self-assuring love compelled

A drive for truth and compassion,

That now survives on starving rations.

How can I bring her to life once more

And rediscover what's worth living for?

Please take the reigns, I'm losing ground

I seem to have lost what I had found.

Give me eyes with which to see

The real me.